Finding "ME"

Life

2012-02-06T20:33:00.000-06:00

Life can be what we dream of of what we create. I have discovered over lately that either one can make us happy. Having the life we dream of makes us believe in dreaming and causes us to continue to reach for something outside our reach. On the other side having the life we create shows we have determination and will take charge to make what we want happen. With that said I think I want a good mixture. I want the life I dreamed off and the life I create. A mixture makes me keep holding out for what could be, while still taking charge of what it is. My life has taken a number of different turns and to be honest at times I wonder why. I now see though that each of the different turns has made life what it is. I am happy to have my life. Each aspect of my life and each person in it makes it wonderful!! Life is what you CREATE & DREAM!!!

Release

2011-05-30T22:06:00.000-05:00

Who knew that a weekend would bring such a release and peace. This weekend brought me tears, smiles, courage, and a sense of pure hope. I was able to honestly release some of the things that I have no idea why I was hanging on to so tightly. I think part of me was afraid, afraid of loosing, afraid of being open, and most importantly afraid of loosing myself. Instead I know that there is only an amazing future and path for me. The future is uncertian and if I am being honest scary, but I am so ready for whatever it holds. I am no longer holding on to any relationship that is not worth my time and effort. I am no longer holding on to things just because they are easy. More importantly holding on to the knowledge that I can face anything and not loose myself in it!!!!

DAY 1

2011-05-01T18:36:00.000-05:00

Today is the first day in new journey for me. I am currently reading through Praying for Purpose for Women. This is a 60day prayer experience that I hope brings me closer to God, allows me to open up to my self, and experience God in a way I haven't in a long time.
*Today: What Are You Afraid of?
Numbers 13-14
Fear is something that I have posted about before. It can grip me in a stronger hold than I would ever admit. I no longer want to hold on to my fears, I want to be free. I pray that God challenges me to let go of those fears and face them head on even though it will be hard. In life I am facing something that is scary and has a lot of unknown right now. I will not be able to get a clearer picture of it for a few weeks, which only makes it harder to deal with. I know that God will not give me something that I cannot handle. He will walk through this step by step with me. Fear will not take over parts of my life and make me miss out on the great things that are out there.

OUTSIDE

2011-02-20T17:19:00.004-06:00

I just spent the last 2 hours sitting outside enjoying the breeze and warmth. A friend gave me a book to read after she read my last posting and it seems this book is speaking more to me than I thought it could. While I was sitting outside I was overwhelmed with a feeling of loneliness. As a small child I became fond of sitting outside listening to the sounds of the country and voices that I loved. There was never a time when my family did not sit outside at whatever country house my grandparents owned just enjoying the time and conversation. Even as a child I could just sit there on the grass in amazement at the sounds I heard. Sitting there today I went back to that place wishing with all I was to really be back in that place with all those I love. That was a time when my dad was still around, when Granny & Dede told stories I hold in my heart now, and a time when I felt alive. That feeling of being alive carried me through some very tough times in my life. Even after my dad was no longer around those moments of sitting outside continued. I think those moments are the ones where I felt safe. Safe from whatever the world could throw at me because I felt protected. Protected because even though my dad had left I still had those voices. The voices that I long to hear again, the ones that no matter what I did said "I Love You", and the ones that kept me young at heart. My college years found me going back to those same times of sitting outside, I never really grew up from enjoying it. When my Granny passed I spent a lot of time alone outside with my Dede hearing him tell me of his love for my Granny and how he would have done anything for her. Now that I have lost him, there is no one to sit outside with me and make me feel safe and protected anymore. I long to hear his sweet voice, to see his plain white t-shirt and starched wranglers, and that smile I loved so much. Feeling safe doesn't happen much for me anymore because all the things that brought me comfort can't this time. The hurt is stronger than I ever knew it could be. So instead I will continue to sit outside and hold onto the stories and memories because that is all I have.

Anger

2011-01-30T17:45:00.002-06:00

Over the last few months I have struggled not really knowing what I was thinking for feeling. Today I realized I have been angry. Angry at a number of people and situations. When my Dede died I was angry. I have been angry at him for not fighting harder, even though he fought all he could. Angry at God for not making him better all those months I prayed and for taking him from me. So angry at God for what I thought was him closing the door on me and in reality it was me closing the door on God. Angry at myself for not giving him the experiences in my life he and I talked about for so long. Really I was just Angry that I had to say goodbye and let go. I am tired of being angry and just want it to stop. I want the pain to go away, even though I know it takes awhile. Anger takes control and just runs away with my heart and I am done letting it control me.

God,

I am done being angry for all the wrong reasons. I don't want to be angry anymore and I know that only you can stop it. I want to feel like I am living again and not simply walking through each day. I want to forgive and move on without holding on to what I need to let go. I want to walk with You and not alone anymore. I no longer want to live the life I think I should and rather start living the life You created for me. You love me even when I yell and scream at You and for that I am ask for your strength and guidance. I love You!!!

Your Daughter,
Abigail

Fear and Searching

2011-01-05T21:08:00.003-06:00

I have been spending the last few days beginning my journey to find purpose for my life and grow closer to God. It is funny how the one thing that we never really want to admit is the one thing God keeps putting in front of us. Every reading I have done both in my bible and the two books I am reading have been on these first 2 lessons.
LESSON 1
*Fear - Wow big word for me. I don't like to admit that I have fear. Well God knew otherwise and continued to point it out to me really over the last 4 months, but it has only been in the last week I have been willing to really focus on it. Slowly different fears of mine have been placed in front of me as opportunities by God to let go of those fears and instead trust him. If I am going to be honest, I never wanted anyone to know my greatest fear. I have spent so many years trying to hide it or push people away so they won't find out. But, here it is....I have a fear that I will be hurt by the man that I love and choose as a husband. I know that is a real fear for many women, but for me well lets just say I know it can happen. I watched as a 10 year old how my mom saw the man she loved break her heart in ways no one should ever. Since that time I have spent every day wondering if I ever trusted someone to love me would I face the same thing. It is not easy for me to say this because even writing it I know that it can happen. What I have learned though is that if I live with that fear holding me back I will never know the kind of truly amazing Christ like love that is out there from someone. So let me say God is daily asking me to let go of that fear and be willing to open myself up for whatever he places in front of me.
LESSON 2
*Searching
God has also shown me that I keep searching for all the things I thought I wanted instead of always appreciating the great things of now. If I live my life always searching for something bigger, better, or more exciting, then I will miss out on some AMAZING things. God has shown me that there is a healthy amount of searching that can go on and there also needs to be a healthy amount of being content with the here and now.
So with both of those lessons I begin with at times unsteady feet to step forward and take each step for what it is.

Step By Step

2011-01-03T19:54:00.000-06:00

This last year has been a real struggle for me in different ways. I have changed jobs, said goodbye to friends, said hello to many new friends, began work on my LCSW, started doing some much needed soul searching, gained a beautiful new nephew, and at the end of the year had to say goodbye to my sweet and loving Dede. The lessons I learned have been huge and kept me from loosing myself fully. I don't know what this new year has but I know I am ready for the change. If I learned anything from my sweet Dede it is to love with all you have and make friends along life's journey. I spent the days following my Dede's passing, looking through a number of phone books of people's names. Some of these names I had heard throughout the years from him and my Granny and some I had never heard. The funny thing about them all is that each one of them was a part of my Dede's life and a person he touched in his journey. So with my journey waiting for me I begin with a smile and heart wide open for whatever is in store, bad or good.

I am also working on finding my purpose in this crazy world. I will spend each step moving forward with what I hope is a willing spirit, even though lets face it I am not the kind to just stand by. I speak up for what I think and feel for the most part. While the the other part stands in the way are the walls I build to protect myself, which I also plan on letting go of.

So follow me down this journey if you wish.

Abigail Jo

Real

2010-10-12T22:54:00.000-05:00

My life changed when I was 10 years old, when my father chose to walk out and leave our family. I don't think he even realized at the time the cost of what he was doing. I don't pretend that even though I choose now not to have him in my life it doesn't still hurt. He was my father and was not supposed to walk out or even think about not spending the rest of his life loving me as a daughter. I lost my father 18 years ago and since that time there have been walls up in my life.

There have only been two other men I have let into my life and heart as father figures since that time. Those two men are my Dede (grandfather) and my Uncle Clayton. When my dad walked out years ago these men stepped up into a role I don't think either of them chose or even knew they did in my life. They became the men I looked up to and saw as role models of what a husband, father, and strong man should be. Over the years I have learned so much from both of them.

My Dede is my world. There has been a connection to him since the day I was born. I don't even know how to describe the connection except to say that he is the most amazing man I have ever known and will always remember the days with him. I have seen him at his weakest moments in loosing my Granny and his most loving and strongest. I know there is nothing he would not do for his family. The last few months have started to take away parts of my Dede. He has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, which if you know me is not something easy for me to admit or even write. This disease is simply that a disease that starts to take away the mind of those we love. I still have my Dede and will hold onto every minute I get with him, but I know time is against us.

My Uncle Clayton was the man I could turn to that was strong and knew how to fix everything. I don't think he asked to take a father role in my life and may not even fully realize he did. He is the man that I pictured walking me down one day to the man I will marry. Over the last few years our whole family has been through a lot and I don't pretend to imagine what it has been like for Clayton. I just hope that maybe one day I can get my Uncle Clayton back. The one that I could turn to for anything. I am not sure how to get back there and I know the years have changed that relationships. I am not even really sure that I am ready to start working toward that or that it is even possible, but one day hope I will and it will.

I now just realize each of these men my father, my Dede, and my Uncle Clayton have all had an impact on who I am. Each has a part of my heart and the impact they made goes deeper than I could ever imagine. These relationships have changed all in different ways and the change or loss has shaped who I am.

Honest Look at ME

2010-08-01T21:10:00.001-05:00

So I have to be honest now. I started this blog to try and let go of some of the many things I hide inside because I am afraid of letting down my walls and find who I really am. I have not really done that and still have huge walls up. The only way to let down those walls is to admit I have insecurities that run deep. It has been a long time since I have felt that I have worth inside. I have also struggled a great deal with not feeling pretty or even liking the way I look. Well I am starting to not only let my walls down, but am tired of not liking myself. I recently started changing to feel better about who I am. I have a job that I love, friends that love me for me, and a family that would do anything for me. Of those things I would not change anything. I just need to change how I care for myself and what I tell myself. I guess I need to start telling myself the same thing I have told the amazing teens I work with and have for the last few years. There are some other things I want to change which are more outward as well. I know that by changing how I look will not make me feel better inside, but there are some things that I am changing outwardly that I do feel will help my self-esteem. So this is the beginning of opening up about how I really feel and the struggles to find me.

Update

2010-07-31T20:22:00.000-05:00

I Know I have not posted in a long time. Life has been very busy.
I am now the proud Aunt of not two but three amazing boys. (Bryce H., Braden H., and Nolan P.). Being an Aunt is one of the best things I could ever ask for. Each of my amazing nephews has taught me something different. Bryce is the oldest and inspires me to be who I am even when who I am is unclear. Braden is the middle nephew who teaches me to have fun and always laugh. Baby Nolan is my newest nephew who is so full of amazement and wonder. I feel blessed each day that God gave me each of them to love and care for as an Aunt.
Work has kept me on my toes. Each youth I come into contact with brings their own ideas and thoughts to life. When I think I have it figured out I soon realize I am no were near having things figured out. Thanks to amazing co-workers I am able to make it through each day and touch the lives of young people.
Life in general keeps going each day. I have made some changes and am glad to have made each of them!

2010-02-21T20:09:00.000-06:00

I AM

A Christian
A daughter
A sister
A friend
A mentor
A Social Worker
An aunt
A listening ear
A female
A Baylor Grad
A sinner
A romantic at heart
A granddaughter
A support system
An employee
A team player

These are just some of the things that I am. I have been so lost and I think the reason why is because I try so hard to be what everyone else wants me to be. I just want to be me and be happy with being me. I am perfect just the way I AM, even when others find fault.

TRUTH

2010-01-26T20:13:00.000-06:00

I have to admit that there are things I have been so afraid to tell the truth about. When I started this blog I wanted to be able to express the things that I was to scared to tell others face to face. I pride myself of saying what I think and feel, but there are a few things that scare me to talk about. One of those things is relationships. I have always had guy friends in my life that make me smile, laugh, and even feel protected. The one thing I have never had is the feeling of loving someone with everything that I am and knowing that they love me back. I never thought I would be 27 years old and single. When I was little I dreamed like most little girls do of my wedding day and the guy who would be standing there waiting for me. At this point I wonder if that day will ever come and why it has not. I am happy with life and enjoy getting to see those I love the most happy and with someone they love, but it does not mean it does not hurt. Hurt to know that what I thought I wanted may actually not be what is best for me. I believe that God has something great in store for me, just lonely in the process. I want a relationship and to find the one who will love me for the rest of my life. Then I think what if I find the one and at some point he decides like my father did to leave. I have put up walls when it comes to relationships because I am afraid I will fall deeply in love with someone and plan a future and down the road he will wake up and decided I am not what he wants or love. This thought has always been in the back of my mind even if I have never actually been able to say it. I don't want to focus on this.

Instead of focusing on what I don't have or will every have, I will try my best to seek to fall further in love with God each day. I will allow God to create in me what he wants and to prepare me for the adventure he has my life to be. I cannot say that I wont have my moments of wanting a relationship and someone to love, but I write the above to let it go and start a different path. A path that begins to fill that longing in my heart with something greater than I could begin to understand.

2009-12-28T20:28:00.000-06:00

So I have not posted in a while. Things have been pretty busy in life. Not that things have been over exciting just busy. The last 6 months of 2009 have been full of changes. These changes have been good and hard to deal with at the same time. I think back over the choices I have made and do not regret one of them, but realize I made a lot of changes at one time. To be honest the reason I did was so it would all happen quickly and the aftermath would all take place at once. I pride myself on being independent and being able to adjust to change, but realize that I needed time to make changes and support as well. I still struggle without a church family to call my home. Which I did not realize was so hard for me until this weekend when I went back to the church I called family for the last 8 years. I miss being a part of a church home and knowing that I am connected to other believers. I have also realized even more how much my family means to me over the last few months. I have been able to see the treasure that is my family and how blessed I am to say they are family. I have even been honored to welcome a new person to my family who I hope and pray continues to allow a connection to grow. At work I have been challenged and made stronger in ways that I cannot even begin to explain. I have such great co-workers who have helped me with the transition in work sights. I guess the one thing I have grown to realize the most over the last 6 months is I really do not care about myself as much as I should. I can give every piece of myself to others and help them in anything they need, but when it comes to taking care of myself I simply don't. I need to fall broken in front of God and ask him to show me how to fall in love with him all over again and to care for myself. No matter how many changes I make in life I will not be able to be happy until I do that.

Journey

2009-10-11T20:27:00.000-05:00

Life comes at us at times and we do not really know how to take it all in. I know there have been many times where life has kicked me in the butt. At this point in my life, I realize all the little things I complain about really are just that little things in life. Life is journey that has a number of ups and downs and it is through all of those both the ups and downs that we learn and grow. Believe me those down times really are hard and make me really want to just throw in the towel, but then I get a small glimpse something amazing. I do not think God places us in this world to simply easily move through it, but to challenge us so that we can have that blind faith. Right now I cannot say that I am on one of those up times or one of those down times, but rather at a even ground. If I am honest I have to say that I am scared that a valley may come my way next, but I have to believe that it is just another step to the future God has for me. I hope that the peaks are just around the corner, but know that no matter if it is the peaks or valleys there is a reason. I have been listening to a song by Britt Nicole "Have Your Way", which talks about how God never promised the road would be easy but that he would always be there. I encourage all to find this song and listen to it. I pray that I am able to really just let go and trust God without asking why or searching because I know there is a reason for the valleys and the peaks. My future is wide open that knowledge leaves me with excitement.

LIFE LESSONS

2009-09-13T19:46:00.000-05:00

As noted before my life is changing in so many ways. I could not have thought a year ago that I would be at a new job, in a new apartment on my own, or without a church home. Through these changes I have learned that each one was important for me to see simple life lessons I should have learned long ago.

1) That saying goodbye to some important people in our lives for a change that takes you forward in a career really does mean that relationship will be changed and some may even become people that are now a part of your past. No matter how hard we fight to keep those people in our lives when we are all being pulled in different directions it gets hard and hard to hold on.
2) New change is always good and along the way those changes make us stronger and more ready to face the next stage of life. I have always embraced changed but silently feared it at the same time. Each of the changes I am currently experiencing was and still is amazing and one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.
3) Realizing that my home is no longer with my mom, means I really have closed a chapter in my life. My mom has been one of the strongest and most amazing women I know. I have seen her go through a great deal of heartache and still come out ahead in life. I am proud to say that I have a part of her in me and that no matter what I do in life she will always stand by me and love me. I have grown up and am now on my own, except for Crush my adorable cat.
4) Being without a church home means I have to start all over finding a place to belong. I have only been a part of 2 churches in my 26 years of life. Both of those churches filled a need in me and helped me in my walk with God. I did not know saying goodbye to my church would mean that I would be this sad. I am excited to find a church home that can meet my current desire for God. I know God will provide the perfect church for me with many new Christian people to help in my walk.
5) The final thing I can think about right now is the sadness this weekend has brought me. The rain this weekend has been amazing, I love the sound of rain and to me it means newness and beauty. But when I thought about what this weekend was, it broke my heart. Five years ago I lost my grandmother and lost a part of who I was. My Granny was a strong and powerful woman who fought until her last breath for life. She loved my grandfather with all her heart for 50 years, which in today’s world is pretty amazing in itself. I cried a lot this weekend just thinking of her and what she taught me. She taught me about gardening, enjoying sitting on the front porch, appreciating homemade gifts (even when they are a little off), making those you love a great meal they enjoy, loving with all of your heart, and supporting your family with all you are. Nancy Ann Baker will always be the best grandmother I could have ever had and a woman I aspire to be like.

All of these lessons have gotten me where I am. At a new beginning in life, ready to take on the world.

Mixed Up

2009-08-25T21:02:00.000-05:00

I am not even really sure what words to use to express what I am thinking right now. I am realizing that when I care for someone as a friend, I care with my whole heart. No matter what stands in the way I will always fight for those I love. I will stand by those I love through everything that comes thier way. When I see someone I love hurting or struggling, I cannot help but hurt and struggle with them. I worry for them when I am not sure how things are going or even if they are hurting. I know this is not always healthy, but something inside me just cannot see someone I love hurt and not hurt. Right now I am excited about the changes in my life, but at the same time hurting for some that I care a great deal about. I just hope that in some way I can reach out to those I care so much for and help in anyway. I know this is short and may not make much sense, but again not sure how to put my feelings into words because right now there are so many thoughts and emotions mixed into one time.

TRUST

2009-08-15T19:30:00.000-05:00

I wish trust came easy. There are times in life when we need to trust others with everything we are even if that means we have to trust them blindly. I have tried so hard to trust others in life, but now realize when it comes down to it I am scared of trusting and loosing. I pride myself on being able to handle things on my own and be an individual, but there are times when I need the love and support from others. I find it so hard to simply put myself out there with the uncertainty of if it will end well or end in me getting hurt. I think we all struggle with relying on others when there is past disappointment from those who are supposed to always be trusted. When it comes to trusting others I find it very difficult because in all honesty one of the first people I trusted let me down 16 years ago. My dad was someone that I looked up to and trusted to always love and support me no matter what I did in life. I could never imagine that at some point that blind trust I had in him would disappear in thin air. When my dad left I put a wall up around my heart and have really tried to ensure that I would never feel that pain again. The heartache and distrust I felt at that time in my life has kept me from trusting some people that I know I can trust with all that I am. I forgave my father long ago for leaving and not being there when I needed him the most along with breaking that level of trust I placed in him, but I don't know that I ever really let go of the hurt I felt. I am grateful that I have people placed in my life that have helped me begin to heal from that distrust. There are those of you who I love that have shown me that even letting down a piece of my wall is worth it because no matter what you stand by me. Trust is as you can tell a big thing for me and if I tell you that you mean the world to me and I trust you with my heart as a friend than know that it was not easy for me, but worth the struggle and fear I felt.

Friendship

2009-08-06T21:08:00.000-05:00

Friends are such amazing gifts from God. Over the years my friends have come to me from school, work, camp, church, through other friends, are my family, and even randomly. As I think about each of the friends God has blessed my life with I cannot even imagine what it would be like to not have had the experience with them. Some of these friends have lasted only a short time and some have been my friends for more than 14 years. I find it funny some times to see how friendships change over the years with us. My friendships have changed a lot over the years and I have begun to realize what it means to have true friends and be a true friend. Each new stage of friendship has brought with it the challenge of trusting someone with my secrets and fears. God has shown me that these friends who I love dearly are the ones I can trust with those secrets and fears. I pray that as I continue to make this journey to find who I am and what God has for me that these friends will continue to support me. I am not sure how long this journey will take but I know it is a journey worth taking and the friends that are with me in the end will be the ones who I will always love and support as well.

Beginning

2009-08-02T16:26:00.001-05:00

Not sure why or what I am doing here. Just thought I would give this a try. I have been blessed over the years by an amazing family that I know loves and supports me. I have also been blessed with some of the most incredible friends. I have learned from my family and friends so much and that I am now trying to slowly put into who I am. I feel blessed to have been given the opportunity to get both my undergraduate and graduate degrees from Baylor University in Social Work. From that blessing the last few years have been spent working with adolescents that at times really try my patients but have been some of the most amazing young people that I feel priveldged to work with. My life has taken a number of twist and turns which brings me to where I am now.

I think we all have these dreams of what our life will look like, but at times we create our own life instead looking for what God has for us. I have been trying so hard to live out this life that I dreamed of, that in the process I lost sight of what God really can do in my life. I am letting go of the controls of my life and giving them back to God. Which now puts me at a time of new beginnings and transition in my life. I have started a new job, which meant leaving some of those amazing adolescents and some of the best friends / co-workers I could ask for. Which I know may not seem that hard since I got a great job still working with adolescents, but it was hard saying goodbye to that chapter in my life. I will also be moving into my first place on my own. Which I know will be scary and exciting at the same time. Thank goodness I have an incredible mom not to far away that I know I can call anytime. The last major transition will be starting out all over again trying to find a church that fits me. I have loved my last 8 1/2 years at my church, but know God is directing me to a new path.

Not really sure if any of this makes sense, but know it is what I keep playing in my head over and over. I just pray that God continues to bless me as I make these transitions.