Longing

This week has been a struggle to say the least.  It was hard to watch my mom and nephews pull away on Monday.  I enjoyed every minute of my time with them this last weekend.  My three nephews are my world and I am more than blessed to have them in my life.  I am also blessed beyond limits to have a loving mom that supports me and believes in me even when I can't.  Seeing them leave struck a cord within me that I hadn't felt in a while.  A cord that made me long for something I am not sure will ever happen.
I struggle off and on with being single and not having a family of my own.  There is such a deep desire in my heart to be married and have children.  Not only is that such a deep desire in my heart, but I also hear from people all the time how they cannot wait to see me married and with kids.  Others seem to see this longing and desire as well in my life.  I know that God placed that desire on my heart for a reason and I don't want to question him, but at times I do.  I wonder why he would give me such a desire and not fulfill it.  I know I am blessed to have a career I love and 2 degrees that have allowed me to bless others, but it doesn't replace my longing for a husband and children.  My older nephews make comments about wanting other cousins and ask all the time when I am going to have children.  If they only knew how my heart aches for that day as well.  I know that I am not alone in this and have a number of friends that have the same desire, or part of that desire and it just hasn't happened for them either.  This has just really struck me and broke me this week.  I know that I have to trust God and his timing, after all he said he would provide the desires of our hearts, but doesn't mean it is easy.  Tears have come and so have angry words about this topic toward God and life at this point.  Just have to pray and trust......

My Nephews

This weekend my mom will be coming up to stay with me and be brining my three amazing nephews.  I could not be prouder as an aunt than I am.  I love spending time with my nephews.  They have grown so much in the years.  I cannot wait for this weekend and to be able to see them enjoy time together.  Each one of them is special in their own way, but when you get all three together it really melts an Aunt's heart.  I have already been planning what to do with them and how to savor every minute.  They are growing up so fast and I am so thankful that I get to be so close with them. 

 There will be I am sure swimming, a picinic, a train ride, more swimming, good food, movie time, conversation, but most of all laughter. Of course who else knows, because if you know me when my nephews have my attention the spoiling and crazyness only begins!!!!

 What Aunt couldn't love those faces!!!

Letter

So I have been reading / studying a book, “Longing for Daddy – Healing From the Pain of an Absent or Emotionally Distant Father” and I have to say it has challenged me and brought about emotions I thought I had dealt with long ago. God is really using this book to help heal a wound inside me that I have only masked for years. Tonight’s chapter told me to write a letter to my earthly father to express the feelings about the absence so here goes….
Billy,
I don’t even really know where or how to begin this. I don’t even really want to do this. I was only 10 years old when you choose to leave. It wasn’t a choice I made, but a choice you made. You knew cheating was wrong and you did it anyway. You put our family aside for your own selfish gains. You never once thought of what you were doing to me, or if you did it didn’t matter enough to make you stop. For so long I blamed myself for you leaving. I felt I had done something wrong and was the reason you chose to walk away. There were many nights and days that I just cried hoping you would come home. Hoping and wishing that something would make you love me again. It is hard to forget the hurt and sadness I felt when you made promise after promise to me and never followed through on them. Not only did you not follow through with them, but you didn’t even seem to see that it hurt me. When I went to see you and specifically asked you to allow just time for me and you, that wasn’t enough for you and instead you did again what you wanted. Then you made me feel as if I was a burden to you and that you really didn’t want to see me when you had the opportunity, but rather it was forced on you. You forgot birthdays, special occasions and even how to show me you loved me. Instead of loving me you created a new family and simply replaced the one that you didn’t want anymore. All I felt like at that point was a financial responsibility to you. Your new family got the dad that I longed for. The dad I desperately cried out for day after day. My heart was broken because the one person that I needed to love me walked away and never looked back. It was so hard growing up knowing that my dad chose to leave me. You chose to forget about me and didn’t even care that inside it was the worst feeling for me to experience. I lost out on so many memories I wanted with my dad. I was crushed, hurt, broken, angry, lonely, and scared. You never once helped me with it. You never once asked how you could make things better or fix things. Instead I just had to continue to deal with those emotions. I am an adult now and still carry a lot of those feelings inside. I try and tell myself that I am over you leaving, when in reality there are so many times that something happens and I am right back there as that scared 10 year old. You hurt me in a way that I cannot understand and never will, in a way that cannot be fixed by words or even actions now 20 years later. Abigail
God I pray that you continue to teach me how to heal from this. That you take me broken as I am and wrap me in your loving arms. Thank you for being my father and loving me unconditionally.

FAITH

My faith has always played a huge role in my life. I was saved when I was in the 5th grade and it changed my life at a time when I felt lost and confused. God stepped in an took an active role in my life. I was blessed to be part of a great youth group that allowed me the privelge of going to some amazing summer camps and on a variety of local mission trips. The times I spent in my youth group brought me some of the best friends I could have evern asked for. Those times also lead me down the road to discovering who I was and what my life would be. God showed me that he loved me even when I failed to deserve it, which was most days. He guided me to forgive my earthly father, which was a hard experience. He even stood there holding me when I shared this forgivness with my father and got hurt by his response. Those times also brought me to my career and calling as a Social Worker. God sheltered me through some really tough losses in my life, even when I pushed him so far away. Pushing God away was something I got really good at. It was easy for me to push him away because I felt that is what I did to my own earthly father. I have come to realize no matter how hard or far I tried to push God away he continued to sit right there reaching out for me. He held me and I pushed harder. I thought he was holding me back from the things I knew in my heart he had placed as desires for my life. I never saw it as him trying to ensure that I sought him and allowed him to be in control, even though I had been told that time and time again. I now see so much more clerarly. Not to say that I wont fall again and try to push him away, because lets me honest that is again something that comes easy to me. I just now see that he has used all the good and bad to shape me for him. He wants this time with me to grow in my faith and relationship with him. God will provide me with the desires of my heart, but in his time, his way, and when he is at the center of it. Thank you God for never allowing me to fully push you away. Thank you for loving me even though I sin and fall short. Thank you for giving me examples and opportunities to see your will at work in so many experinces through out the years. Above all thank you for daily seeking me out and encouraging me to seek you.

Day 1

Day 1: Today I started a few different things: a diet, commitment to exercise daily, daily time with God, focusing a great deal on studying for my LCSW, and Finding Me! Diet: If you know me I am a very picky eater so diets are hard for me. I am committed to this and am not doing it for others but rather for myself. I want to eat better and pay more attention to what goes into my body. I have chosen to do Weight Watchers. I have seen where it has helped a number of people and feel it is a good solid plan for me. It will allow me to still eat the things I enjoy while watching my portions. I can successfuly say the points system is easier than you would think. I am able to track my food on my phone and know what my point value is. Yes I have stuck to my daily points!!! Exercise: When I moved to Ft. Worth I started exercising more, but was not going all the time on a daily basis. I have been blessed to have an apartment complex with a gym in it, so might as well use it. Today I worked out for over an hr. My goal is to workout daily and enjoy it! Time with God: I have found a church that I really enjoy, which was also a challenge back home in Waco. I am even attending a weekly bible study with other single 30 year old women. The study we are doing is called "Duty or Delight? knowing where you stand with God" This study has already shown me a great deal and I am only 2 weeks into it. The study has us focus on a weekly confidence booster. The two we have seen so far are 1) I Am Choosen & 2) I Am Redeemed. Not only am I committed to this study, but have choosen to begin a seperate one on my own that will allow me to focus on my relationship with God (Princess Unaware..Finding the fabulous in every day). I plan to daily spend quality time with God, building the relationship back up that I have so stupidly walked away from a different times in my life. I have struggled with a few different issues when having a relationship with God: the concept of him as my father, my desire for a family and not having one, hearing God as others do, and trusting his timing. I have prayed that through seeking a deeper relationship with him, he and I can work together on those issues. I found this last night and it showed me he is already at work (Faith in God includes Faith in his Timing). I want God to be the focus of any and all relationships, so I first must have an intimate relationship with him. LCSW: I have finsihed all supervision hours for LCSW. Now is the hard part studying for the test. I am committed to study daily and take notes to grow not only in my career, but the profession God placed me in. You are never too old to study and learn. This time is allowing me to refelect on my experience as a Social Worker and will allow me to obtain another goal in taking and passing my LCSW. Finding Me: Well that is an on going process. I feel like each of the things listed above will get me closer. I believe that life is always changing and allowing us to grow as people. I have to be honest when I say that I am not where I thought I would be at 30 years old. With that said there is a reason I am not and I can use this time to do many things. I will find who I am and will document as I go. If you are interested in following my journey along this crazy road, by all means jump on. This is a journey for myself, but I want to be able to document how it goes and look back across where I have been. So here goes this was Day 1.....many more to come!!!! Abigail Jo

Hi!!!

So my mom posted on Kelly's Korner for show us your singles. I am new to the Ft. Worth Area. Big Baylor Bear fan!! My family and faith are very important to me. If you have any other questions just leave a comment and I would be happy to respond and get to know you! Abigail

ME

If you are new to my blog...here is a little about me. My name is Abigail Parnell. I am a 29 year old Christian. I have recently moved to Ft. Worth from Waco.

My family is super important to me. I have an amzing mom that raised me on her own. I am the baby of my family and have an older sister and brother. I can be found in my down time with one or all 3 of my amazing nephews. I am a Social Worker and love being a source of hope and guidance to others. I feel like God brought me to Social Work and has a mission for me in what I do.

I am pretty much an open book so if you ever want to know more about me, just keep reading or simply leave a comment and I will anwser!!!

LIFE!!!

So the last few months have been all about change and new things. I got my medical test results and did not have to hear any bad news. With that knowledge I took a look back at some opportunities that had been infront of me that were put on hold. One of those opportunities was to interview in Ft. Worth for a new job. It is strange how God opens doors when it is his timing. I was not able to interview for a job due to my medical issues and right after being cleared another position with that same agency opened up which I not only was able to interview for, but got!! It was hard to say goodbye to WCY and all of the amazing people there. I had grown to love WCY and the experiences that I was able to gain. WCY gave me friends that are some of the best I have. One whom I can say has forever changed my life for the better. With that said it was even harder to know that I was moving away from my mom and the only home I had really known. My mom and family supported me the whole time. I am so thankful that I have an amazing Mom that understands that God opens doors to let us go through when he sees fit. So I am now living in Ft. Worth and working at a hospital. Not only has this move given me a new job with challenges and opportunities to grow as a Social Worker, but it has given me the opportunity to learn that God is directing my every path. Living in Ft. Worth has been a dream of mine for a number of years and it is only when God had it in his plan for me to move did it happen. God is using this time to help me see where I have walked away from him over the last few years and how during that time he never left me. I am blessed by a God that is ever present and loving. I cannot wait to see where this new journey takes me and how God brings me back to the girl I have always been in his eyes!!!

Twist and Turns

So life has thrown me another curve ball. I know God is in control of each day and situation I am in, but sometimes it is still frustrating. I have been experiencing some weird medical stuff over the last few months. Been going back and forth to lots of doctors and having test run. All this said there are still no concrete anwsers except that my pancreas is in really bad health. There is no idea why this is the case. More test ahead in my near future as well as more waiting. Also my lympnods are swollen and there is a mass on one. I have done a great deal of crying over the last few days. I don't know why this is all happening. I was excited about some things that were ahead, but had to pull back on some due to not fully knowing what medically is ahead for me. Frustrating and eye opening at the same time. A few things that have come from this: 1) my family is by myside and willing to face whatever with me 2) I have some amazing friends that are praying 3) I am learning to trust yet even more on God to guide me through this 4) i never wanted to need anything from my dad's side of the family and yet had to get medical information from them. I guess you can say it has taken me down a number of twist and turns with no end. Go in tomorrow to talk to doctor and get blood test results, but might have to wait until August for a final anwser. The waiting is so hard and all consuming at times. I keep praying that God will guide everyone to a final outcome and hold my hand as I find out what it is. Abigail

Life

Life can be what we dream of of what we create. I have discovered over lately that either one can make us happy. Having the life we dream of makes us believe in dreaming and causes us to continue to reach for something outside our reach. On the other side having the life we create shows we have determination and will take charge to make what we want happen. With that said I think I want a good mixture. I want the life I dreamed off and the life I create. A mixture makes me keep holding out for what could be, while still taking charge of what it is. My life has taken a number of different turns and to be honest at times I wonder why. I now see though that each of the different turns has made life what it is. I am happy to have my life. Each aspect of my life and each person in it makes it wonderful!! Life is what you CREATE & DREAM!!!

Release

Who knew that a weekend would bring such a release and peace. This weekend brought me tears, smiles, courage, and a sense of pure hope. I was able to honestly release some of the things that I have no idea why I was hanging on to so tightly. I think part of me was afraid, afraid of loosing, afraid of being open, and most importantly afraid of loosing myself. Instead I know that there is only an amazing future and path for me. The future is uncertian and if I am being honest scary, but I am so ready for whatever it holds. I am no longer holding on to any relationship that is not worth my time and effort. I am no longer holding on to things just because they are easy. More importantly holding on to the knowledge that I can face anything and not loose myself in it!!!!

DAY 1

Today is the first day in new journey for me. I am currently reading through Praying for Purpose for Women. This is a 60day prayer experience that I hope brings me closer to God, allows me to open up to my self, and experience God in a way I haven't in a long time.
*Today: What Are You Afraid of?
Numbers 13-14
Fear is something that I have posted about before. It can grip me in a stronger hold than I would ever admit. I no longer want to hold on to my fears, I want to be free. I pray that God challenges me to let go of those fears and face them head on even though it will be hard. In life I am facing something that is scary and has a lot of unknown right now. I will not be able to get a clearer picture of it for a few weeks, which only makes it harder to deal with. I know that God will not give me something that I cannot handle. He will walk through this step by step with me. Fear will not take over parts of my life and make me miss out on the great things that are out there.

OUTSIDE

I just spent the last 2 hours sitting outside enjoying the breeze and warmth. A friend gave me a book to read after she read my last posting and it seems this book is speaking more to me than I thought it could. While I was sitting outside I was overwhelmed with a feeling of loneliness. As a small child I became fond of sitting outside listening to the sounds of the country and voices that I loved. There was never a time when my family did not sit outside at whatever country house my grandparents owned just enjoying the time and conversation. Even as a child I could just sit there on the grass in amazement at the sounds I heard. Sitting there today I went back to that place wishing with all I was to really be back in that place with all those I love. That was a time when my dad was still around, when Granny & Dede told stories I hold in my heart now, and a time when I felt alive. That feeling of being alive carried me through some very tough times in my life. Even after my dad was no longer around those moments of sitting outside continued. I think those moments are the ones where I felt safe. Safe from whatever the world could throw at me because I felt protected. Protected because even though my dad had left I still had those voices. The voices that I long to hear again, the ones that no matter what I did said "I Love You", and the ones that kept me young at heart. My college years found me going back to those same times of sitting outside, I never really grew up from enjoying it. When my Granny passed I spent a lot of time alone outside with my Dede hearing him tell me of his love for my Granny and how he would have done anything for her. Now that I have lost him, there is no one to sit outside with me and make me feel safe and protected anymore. I long to hear his sweet voice, to see his plain white t-shirt and starched wranglers, and that smile I loved so much. Feeling safe doesn't happen much for me anymore because all the things that brought me comfort can't this time. The hurt is stronger than I ever knew it could be. So instead I will continue to sit outside and hold onto the stories and memories because that is all I have.

Anger

Over the last few months I have struggled not really knowing what I was thinking for feeling. Today I realized I have been angry. Angry at a number of people and situations. When my Dede died I was angry. I have been angry at him for not fighting harder, even though he fought all he could. Angry at God for not making him better all those months I prayed and for taking him from me. So angry at God for what I thought was him closing the door on me and in reality it was me closing the door on God. Angry at myself for not giving him the experiences in my life he and I talked about for so long. Really I was just Angry that I had to say goodbye and let go. I am tired of being angry and just want it to stop. I want the pain to go away, even though I know it takes awhile. Anger takes control and just runs away with my heart and I am done letting it control me.

God,

I am done being angry for all the wrong reasons. I don't want to be angry anymore and I know that only you can stop it. I want to feel like I am living again and not simply walking through each day. I want to forgive and move on without holding on to what I need to let go. I want to walk with You and not alone anymore. I no longer want to live the life I think I should and rather start living the life You created for me. You love me even when I yell and scream at You and for that I am ask for your strength and guidance. I love You!!!

Your Daughter,
Abigail

Fear and Searching

I have been spending the last few days beginning my journey to find purpose for my life and grow closer to God. It is funny how the one thing that we never really want to admit is the one thing God keeps putting in front of us. Every reading I have done both in my bible and the two books I am reading have been on these first 2 lessons.
LESSON 1
*Fear - Wow big word for me. I don't like to admit that I have fear. Well God knew otherwise and continued to point it out to me really over the last 4 months, but it has only been in the last week I have been willing to really focus on it. Slowly different fears of mine have been placed in front of me as opportunities by God to let go of those fears and instead trust him. If I am going to be honest, I never wanted anyone to know my greatest fear. I have spent so many years trying to hide it or push people away so they won't find out. But, here it is....I have a fear that I will be hurt by the man that I love and choose as a husband. I know that is a real fear for many women, but for me well lets just say I know it can happen. I watched as a 10 year old how my mom saw the man she loved break her heart in ways no one should ever. Since that time I have spent every day wondering if I ever trusted someone to love me would I face the same thing. It is not easy for me to say this because even writing it I know that it can happen. What I have learned though is that if I live with that fear holding me back I will never know the kind of truly amazing Christ like love that is out there from someone. So let me say God is daily asking me to let go of that fear and be willing to open myself up for whatever he places in front of me.
LESSON 2
*Searching
God has also shown me that I keep searching for all the things I thought I wanted instead of always appreciating the great things of now. If I live my life always searching for something bigger, better, or more exciting, then I will miss out on some AMAZING things. God has shown me that there is a healthy amount of searching that can go on and there also needs to be a healthy amount of being content with the here and now.
So with both of those lessons I begin with at times unsteady feet to step forward and take each step for what it is.

Step By Step

This last year has been a real struggle for me in different ways. I have changed jobs, said goodbye to friends, said hello to many new friends, began work on my LCSW, started doing some much needed soul searching, gained a beautiful new nephew, and at the end of the year had to say goodbye to my sweet and loving Dede. The lessons I learned have been huge and kept me from loosing myself fully. I don't know what this new year has but I know I am ready for the change. If I learned anything from my sweet Dede it is to love with all you have and make friends along life's journey. I spent the days following my Dede's passing, looking through a number of phone books of people's names. Some of these names I had heard throughout the years from him and my Granny and some I had never heard. The funny thing about them all is that each one of them was a part of my Dede's life and a person he touched in his journey. So with my journey waiting for me I begin with a smile and heart wide open for whatever is in store, bad or good.

I am also working on finding my purpose in this crazy world. I will spend each step moving forward with what I hope is a willing spirit, even though lets face it I am not the kind to just stand by. I speak up for what I think and feel for the most part. While the the other part stands in the way are the walls I build to protect myself, which I also plan on letting go of.

So follow me down this journey if you wish.

Abigail Jo

Real

My life changed when I was 10 years old, when my father chose to walk out and leave our family. I don't think he even realized at the time the cost of what he was doing. I don't pretend that even though I choose now not to have him in my life it doesn't still hurt. He was my father and was not supposed to walk out or even think about not spending the rest of his life loving me as a daughter. I lost my father 18 years ago and since that time there have been walls up in my life.

There have only been two other men I have let into my life and heart as father figures since that time. Those two men are my Dede (grandfather) and my Uncle Clayton. When my dad walked out years ago these men stepped up into a role I don't think either of them chose or even knew they did in my life. They became the men I looked up to and saw as role models of what a husband, father, and strong man should be. Over the years I have learned so much from both of them.

My Dede is my world. There has been a connection to him since the day I was born. I don't even know how to describe the connection except to say that he is the most amazing man I have ever known and will always remember the days with him. I have seen him at his weakest moments in loosing my Granny and his most loving and strongest. I know there is nothing he would not do for his family. The last few months have started to take away parts of my Dede. He has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, which if you know me is not something easy for me to admit or even write. This disease is simply that a disease that starts to take away the mind of those we love. I still have my Dede and will hold onto every minute I get with him, but I know time is against us.

My Uncle Clayton was the man I could turn to that was strong and knew how to fix everything. I don't think he asked to take a father role in my life and may not even fully realize he did. He is the man that I pictured walking me down one day to the man I will marry. Over the last few years our whole family has been through a lot and I don't pretend to imagine what it has been like for Clayton. I just hope that maybe one day I can get my Uncle Clayton back. The one that I could turn to for anything. I am not sure how to get back there and I know the years have changed that relationships. I am not even really sure that I am ready to start working toward that or that it is even possible, but one day hope I will and it will.

I now just realize each of these men my father, my Dede, and my Uncle Clayton have all had an impact on who I am. Each has a part of my heart and the impact they made goes deeper than I could ever imagine. These relationships have changed all in different ways and the change or loss has shaped who I am.

Honest Look at ME

So I have to be honest now. I started this blog to try and let go of some of the many things I hide inside because I am afraid of letting down my walls and find who I really am. I have not really done that and still have huge walls up. The only way to let down those walls is to admit I have insecurities that run deep. It has been a long time since I have felt that I have worth inside. I have also struggled a great deal with not feeling pretty or even liking the way I look. Well I am starting to not only let my walls down, but am tired of not liking myself. I recently started changing to feel better about who I am. I have a job that I love, friends that love me for me, and a family that would do anything for me. Of those things I would not change anything. I just need to change how I care for myself and what I tell myself. I guess I need to start telling myself the same thing I have told the amazing teens I work with and have for the last few years. There are some other things I want to change which are more outward as well. I know that by changing how I look will not make me feel better inside, but there are some things that I am changing outwardly that I do feel will help my self-esteem. So this is the beginning of opening up about how I really feel and the struggles to find me.

Update

I Know I have not posted in a long time. Life has been very busy.
I am now the proud Aunt of not two but three amazing boys. (Bryce H., Braden H., and Nolan P.). Being an Aunt is one of the best things I could ever ask for. Each of my amazing nephews has taught me something different. Bryce is the oldest and inspires me to be who I am even when who I am is unclear. Braden is the middle nephew who teaches me to have fun and always laugh. Baby Nolan is my newest nephew who is so full of amazement and wonder. I feel blessed each day that God gave me each of them to love and care for as an Aunt.
Work has kept me on my toes. Each youth I come into contact with brings their own ideas and thoughts to life. When I think I have it figured out I soon realize I am no were near having things figured out. Thanks to amazing co-workers I am able to make it through each day and touch the lives of young people.
Life in general keeps going each day. I have made some changes and am glad to have made each of them!

I AM

A Christian
A daughter
A sister
A friend
A mentor
A Social Worker
An aunt
A listening ear
A female
A Baylor Grad
A sinner
A romantic at heart
A granddaughter
A support system
An employee
A team player

These are just some of the things that I am. I have been so lost and I think the reason why is because I try so hard to be what everyone else wants me to be. I just want to be me and be happy with being me. I am perfect just the way I AM, even when others find fault.