OUTSIDE

I just spent the last 2 hours sitting outside enjoying the breeze and warmth. A friend gave me a book to read after she read my last posting and it seems this book is speaking more to me than I thought it could. While I was sitting outside I was overwhelmed with a feeling of loneliness. As a small child I became fond of sitting outside listening to the sounds of the country and voices that I loved. There was never a time when my family did not sit outside at whatever country house my grandparents owned just enjoying the time and conversation. Even as a child I could just sit there on the grass in amazement at the sounds I heard. Sitting there today I went back to that place wishing with all I was to really be back in that place with all those I love. That was a time when my dad was still around, when Granny & Dede told stories I hold in my heart now, and a time when I felt alive. That feeling of being alive carried me through some very tough times in my life. Even after my dad was no longer around those moments of sitting outside continued. I think those moments are the ones where I felt safe. Safe from whatever the world could throw at me because I felt protected. Protected because even though my dad had left I still had those voices. The voices that I long to hear again, the ones that no matter what I did said "I Love You", and the ones that kept me young at heart. My college years found me going back to those same times of sitting outside, I never really grew up from enjoying it. When my Granny passed I spent a lot of time alone outside with my Dede hearing him tell me of his love for my Granny and how he would have done anything for her. Now that I have lost him, there is no one to sit outside with me and make me feel safe and protected anymore. I long to hear his sweet voice, to see his plain white t-shirt and starched wranglers, and that smile I loved so much. Feeling safe doesn't happen much for me anymore because all the things that brought me comfort can't this time. The hurt is stronger than I ever knew it could be. So instead I will continue to sit outside and hold onto the stories and memories because that is all I have.

Anger

Over the last few months I have struggled not really knowing what I was thinking for feeling. Today I realized I have been angry. Angry at a number of people and situations. When my Dede died I was angry. I have been angry at him for not fighting harder, even though he fought all he could. Angry at God for not making him better all those months I prayed and for taking him from me. So angry at God for what I thought was him closing the door on me and in reality it was me closing the door on God. Angry at myself for not giving him the experiences in my life he and I talked about for so long. Really I was just Angry that I had to say goodbye and let go. I am tired of being angry and just want it to stop. I want the pain to go away, even though I know it takes awhile. Anger takes control and just runs away with my heart and I am done letting it control me.

God,

I am done being angry for all the wrong reasons. I don't want to be angry anymore and I know that only you can stop it. I want to feel like I am living again and not simply walking through each day. I want to forgive and move on without holding on to what I need to let go. I want to walk with You and not alone anymore. I no longer want to live the life I think I should and rather start living the life You created for me. You love me even when I yell and scream at You and for that I am ask for your strength and guidance. I love You!!!

Your Daughter,
Abigail

Fear and Searching

I have been spending the last few days beginning my journey to find purpose for my life and grow closer to God. It is funny how the one thing that we never really want to admit is the one thing God keeps putting in front of us. Every reading I have done both in my bible and the two books I am reading have been on these first 2 lessons.
LESSON 1
*Fear - Wow big word for me. I don't like to admit that I have fear. Well God knew otherwise and continued to point it out to me really over the last 4 months, but it has only been in the last week I have been willing to really focus on it. Slowly different fears of mine have been placed in front of me as opportunities by God to let go of those fears and instead trust him. If I am going to be honest, I never wanted anyone to know my greatest fear. I have spent so many years trying to hide it or push people away so they won't find out. But, here it is....I have a fear that I will be hurt by the man that I love and choose as a husband. I know that is a real fear for many women, but for me well lets just say I know it can happen. I watched as a 10 year old how my mom saw the man she loved break her heart in ways no one should ever. Since that time I have spent every day wondering if I ever trusted someone to love me would I face the same thing. It is not easy for me to say this because even writing it I know that it can happen. What I have learned though is that if I live with that fear holding me back I will never know the kind of truly amazing Christ like love that is out there from someone. So let me say God is daily asking me to let go of that fear and be willing to open myself up for whatever he places in front of me.
LESSON 2
*Searching
God has also shown me that I keep searching for all the things I thought I wanted instead of always appreciating the great things of now. If I live my life always searching for something bigger, better, or more exciting, then I will miss out on some AMAZING things. God has shown me that there is a healthy amount of searching that can go on and there also needs to be a healthy amount of being content with the here and now.
So with both of those lessons I begin with at times unsteady feet to step forward and take each step for what it is.

Step By Step

This last year has been a real struggle for me in different ways. I have changed jobs, said goodbye to friends, said hello to many new friends, began work on my LCSW, started doing some much needed soul searching, gained a beautiful new nephew, and at the end of the year had to say goodbye to my sweet and loving Dede. The lessons I learned have been huge and kept me from loosing myself fully. I don't know what this new year has but I know I am ready for the change. If I learned anything from my sweet Dede it is to love with all you have and make friends along life's journey. I spent the days following my Dede's passing, looking through a number of phone books of people's names. Some of these names I had heard throughout the years from him and my Granny and some I had never heard. The funny thing about them all is that each one of them was a part of my Dede's life and a person he touched in his journey. So with my journey waiting for me I begin with a smile and heart wide open for whatever is in store, bad or good.

I am also working on finding my purpose in this crazy world. I will spend each step moving forward with what I hope is a willing spirit, even though lets face it I am not the kind to just stand by. I speak up for what I think and feel for the most part. While the the other part stands in the way are the walls I build to protect myself, which I also plan on letting go of.

So follow me down this journey if you wish.

Abigail Jo

Real

My life changed when I was 10 years old, when my father chose to walk out and leave our family. I don't think he even realized at the time the cost of what he was doing. I don't pretend that even though I choose now not to have him in my life it doesn't still hurt. He was my father and was not supposed to walk out or even think about not spending the rest of his life loving me as a daughter. I lost my father 18 years ago and since that time there have been walls up in my life.

There have only been two other men I have let into my life and heart as father figures since that time. Those two men are my Dede (grandfather) and my Uncle Clayton. When my dad walked out years ago these men stepped up into a role I don't think either of them chose or even knew they did in my life. They became the men I looked up to and saw as role models of what a husband, father, and strong man should be. Over the years I have learned so much from both of them.

My Dede is my world. There has been a connection to him since the day I was born. I don't even know how to describe the connection except to say that he is the most amazing man I have ever known and will always remember the days with him. I have seen him at his weakest moments in loosing my Granny and his most loving and strongest. I know there is nothing he would not do for his family. The last few months have started to take away parts of my Dede. He has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, which if you know me is not something easy for me to admit or even write. This disease is simply that a disease that starts to take away the mind of those we love. I still have my Dede and will hold onto every minute I get with him, but I know time is against us.

My Uncle Clayton was the man I could turn to that was strong and knew how to fix everything. I don't think he asked to take a father role in my life and may not even fully realize he did. He is the man that I pictured walking me down one day to the man I will marry. Over the last few years our whole family has been through a lot and I don't pretend to imagine what it has been like for Clayton. I just hope that maybe one day I can get my Uncle Clayton back. The one that I could turn to for anything. I am not sure how to get back there and I know the years have changed that relationships. I am not even really sure that I am ready to start working toward that or that it is even possible, but one day hope I will and it will.

I now just realize each of these men my father, my Dede, and my Uncle Clayton have all had an impact on who I am. Each has a part of my heart and the impact they made goes deeper than I could ever imagine. These relationships have changed all in different ways and the change or loss has shaped who I am.

Honest Look at ME

So I have to be honest now. I started this blog to try and let go of some of the many things I hide inside because I am afraid of letting down my walls and find who I really am. I have not really done that and still have huge walls up. The only way to let down those walls is to admit I have insecurities that run deep. It has been a long time since I have felt that I have worth inside. I have also struggled a great deal with not feeling pretty or even liking the way I look. Well I am starting to not only let my walls down, but am tired of not liking myself. I recently started changing to feel better about who I am. I have a job that I love, friends that love me for me, and a family that would do anything for me. Of those things I would not change anything. I just need to change how I care for myself and what I tell myself. I guess I need to start telling myself the same thing I have told the amazing teens I work with and have for the last few years. There are some other things I want to change which are more outward as well. I know that by changing how I look will not make me feel better inside, but there are some things that I am changing outwardly that I do feel will help my self-esteem. So this is the beginning of opening up about how I really feel and the struggles to find me.

Update

I Know I have not posted in a long time. Life has been very busy.
I am now the proud Aunt of not two but three amazing boys. (Bryce H., Braden H., and Nolan P.). Being an Aunt is one of the best things I could ever ask for. Each of my amazing nephews has taught me something different. Bryce is the oldest and inspires me to be who I am even when who I am is unclear. Braden is the middle nephew who teaches me to have fun and always laugh. Baby Nolan is my newest nephew who is so full of amazement and wonder. I feel blessed each day that God gave me each of them to love and care for as an Aunt.
Work has kept me on my toes. Each youth I come into contact with brings their own ideas and thoughts to life. When I think I have it figured out I soon realize I am no were near having things figured out. Thanks to amazing co-workers I am able to make it through each day and touch the lives of young people.
Life in general keeps going each day. I have made some changes and am glad to have made each of them!