Letter

So I have been reading / studying a book, “Longing for Daddy – Healing From the Pain of an Absent or Emotionally Distant Father” and I have to say it has challenged me and brought about emotions I thought I had dealt with long ago. God is really using this book to help heal a wound inside me that I have only masked for years. Tonight’s chapter told me to write a letter to my earthly father to express the feelings about the absence so here goes….
Billy,
I don’t even really know where or how to begin this. I don’t even really want to do this. I was only 10 years old when you choose to leave. It wasn’t a choice I made, but a choice you made. You knew cheating was wrong and you did it anyway. You put our family aside for your own selfish gains. You never once thought of what you were doing to me, or if you did it didn’t matter enough to make you stop. For so long I blamed myself for you leaving. I felt I had done something wrong and was the reason you chose to walk away. There were many nights and days that I just cried hoping you would come home. Hoping and wishing that something would make you love me again. It is hard to forget the hurt and sadness I felt when you made promise after promise to me and never followed through on them. Not only did you not follow through with them, but you didn’t even seem to see that it hurt me. When I went to see you and specifically asked you to allow just time for me and you, that wasn’t enough for you and instead you did again what you wanted. Then you made me feel as if I was a burden to you and that you really didn’t want to see me when you had the opportunity, but rather it was forced on you. You forgot birthdays, special occasions and even how to show me you loved me. Instead of loving me you created a new family and simply replaced the one that you didn’t want anymore. All I felt like at that point was a financial responsibility to you. Your new family got the dad that I longed for. The dad I desperately cried out for day after day. My heart was broken because the one person that I needed to love me walked away and never looked back. It was so hard growing up knowing that my dad chose to leave me. You chose to forget about me and didn’t even care that inside it was the worst feeling for me to experience. I lost out on so many memories I wanted with my dad. I was crushed, hurt, broken, angry, lonely, and scared. You never once helped me with it. You never once asked how you could make things better or fix things. Instead I just had to continue to deal with those emotions. I am an adult now and still carry a lot of those feelings inside. I try and tell myself that I am over you leaving, when in reality there are so many times that something happens and I am right back there as that scared 10 year old. You hurt me in a way that I cannot understand and never will, in a way that cannot be fixed by words or even actions now 20 years later. Abigail
God I pray that you continue to teach me how to heal from this. That you take me broken as I am and wrap me in your loving arms. Thank you for being my father and loving me unconditionally.

FAITH

My faith has always played a huge role in my life. I was saved when I was in the 5th grade and it changed my life at a time when I felt lost and confused. God stepped in an took an active role in my life. I was blessed to be part of a great youth group that allowed me the privelge of going to some amazing summer camps and on a variety of local mission trips. The times I spent in my youth group brought me some of the best friends I could have evern asked for. Those times also lead me down the road to discovering who I was and what my life would be. God showed me that he loved me even when I failed to deserve it, which was most days. He guided me to forgive my earthly father, which was a hard experience. He even stood there holding me when I shared this forgivness with my father and got hurt by his response. Those times also brought me to my career and calling as a Social Worker. God sheltered me through some really tough losses in my life, even when I pushed him so far away. Pushing God away was something I got really good at. It was easy for me to push him away because I felt that is what I did to my own earthly father. I have come to realize no matter how hard or far I tried to push God away he continued to sit right there reaching out for me. He held me and I pushed harder. I thought he was holding me back from the things I knew in my heart he had placed as desires for my life. I never saw it as him trying to ensure that I sought him and allowed him to be in control, even though I had been told that time and time again. I now see so much more clerarly. Not to say that I wont fall again and try to push him away, because lets me honest that is again something that comes easy to me. I just now see that he has used all the good and bad to shape me for him. He wants this time with me to grow in my faith and relationship with him. God will provide me with the desires of my heart, but in his time, his way, and when he is at the center of it. Thank you God for never allowing me to fully push you away. Thank you for loving me even though I sin and fall short. Thank you for giving me examples and opportunities to see your will at work in so many experinces through out the years. Above all thank you for daily seeking me out and encouraging me to seek you.

Day 1

Day 1: Today I started a few different things: a diet, commitment to exercise daily, daily time with God, focusing a great deal on studying for my LCSW, and Finding Me! Diet: If you know me I am a very picky eater so diets are hard for me. I am committed to this and am not doing it for others but rather for myself. I want to eat better and pay more attention to what goes into my body. I have chosen to do Weight Watchers. I have seen where it has helped a number of people and feel it is a good solid plan for me. It will allow me to still eat the things I enjoy while watching my portions. I can successfuly say the points system is easier than you would think. I am able to track my food on my phone and know what my point value is. Yes I have stuck to my daily points!!! Exercise: When I moved to Ft. Worth I started exercising more, but was not going all the time on a daily basis. I have been blessed to have an apartment complex with a gym in it, so might as well use it. Today I worked out for over an hr. My goal is to workout daily and enjoy it! Time with God: I have found a church that I really enjoy, which was also a challenge back home in Waco. I am even attending a weekly bible study with other single 30 year old women. The study we are doing is called "Duty or Delight? knowing where you stand with God" This study has already shown me a great deal and I am only 2 weeks into it. The study has us focus on a weekly confidence booster. The two we have seen so far are 1) I Am Choosen & 2) I Am Redeemed. Not only am I committed to this study, but have choosen to begin a seperate one on my own that will allow me to focus on my relationship with God (Princess Unaware..Finding the fabulous in every day). I plan to daily spend quality time with God, building the relationship back up that I have so stupidly walked away from a different times in my life. I have struggled with a few different issues when having a relationship with God: the concept of him as my father, my desire for a family and not having one, hearing God as others do, and trusting his timing. I have prayed that through seeking a deeper relationship with him, he and I can work together on those issues. I found this last night and it showed me he is already at work (Faith in God includes Faith in his Timing). I want God to be the focus of any and all relationships, so I first must have an intimate relationship with him. LCSW: I have finsihed all supervision hours for LCSW. Now is the hard part studying for the test. I am committed to study daily and take notes to grow not only in my career, but the profession God placed me in. You are never too old to study and learn. This time is allowing me to refelect on my experience as a Social Worker and will allow me to obtain another goal in taking and passing my LCSW. Finding Me: Well that is an on going process. I feel like each of the things listed above will get me closer. I believe that life is always changing and allowing us to grow as people. I have to be honest when I say that I am not where I thought I would be at 30 years old. With that said there is a reason I am not and I can use this time to do many things. I will find who I am and will document as I go. If you are interested in following my journey along this crazy road, by all means jump on. This is a journey for myself, but I want to be able to document how it goes and look back across where I have been. So here goes this was Day 1.....many more to come!!!! Abigail Jo

Hi!!!

So my mom posted on Kelly's Korner for show us your singles. I am new to the Ft. Worth Area. Big Baylor Bear fan!! My family and faith are very important to me. If you have any other questions just leave a comment and I would be happy to respond and get to know you! Abigail

ME

If you are new to my blog...here is a little about me. My name is Abigail Parnell. I am a 29 year old Christian. I have recently moved to Ft. Worth from Waco.

My family is super important to me. I have an amzing mom that raised me on her own. I am the baby of my family and have an older sister and brother. I can be found in my down time with one or all 3 of my amazing nephews. I am a Social Worker and love being a source of hope and guidance to others. I feel like God brought me to Social Work and has a mission for me in what I do.

I am pretty much an open book so if you ever want to know more about me, just keep reading or simply leave a comment and I will anwser!!!

LIFE!!!

So the last few months have been all about change and new things. I got my medical test results and did not have to hear any bad news. With that knowledge I took a look back at some opportunities that had been infront of me that were put on hold. One of those opportunities was to interview in Ft. Worth for a new job. It is strange how God opens doors when it is his timing. I was not able to interview for a job due to my medical issues and right after being cleared another position with that same agency opened up which I not only was able to interview for, but got!! It was hard to say goodbye to WCY and all of the amazing people there. I had grown to love WCY and the experiences that I was able to gain. WCY gave me friends that are some of the best I have. One whom I can say has forever changed my life for the better. With that said it was even harder to know that I was moving away from my mom and the only home I had really known. My mom and family supported me the whole time. I am so thankful that I have an amazing Mom that understands that God opens doors to let us go through when he sees fit. So I am now living in Ft. Worth and working at a hospital. Not only has this move given me a new job with challenges and opportunities to grow as a Social Worker, but it has given me the opportunity to learn that God is directing my every path. Living in Ft. Worth has been a dream of mine for a number of years and it is only when God had it in his plan for me to move did it happen. God is using this time to help me see where I have walked away from him over the last few years and how during that time he never left me. I am blessed by a God that is ever present and loving. I cannot wait to see where this new journey takes me and how God brings me back to the girl I have always been in his eyes!!!

Twist and Turns

So life has thrown me another curve ball. I know God is in control of each day and situation I am in, but sometimes it is still frustrating. I have been experiencing some weird medical stuff over the last few months. Been going back and forth to lots of doctors and having test run. All this said there are still no concrete anwsers except that my pancreas is in really bad health. There is no idea why this is the case. More test ahead in my near future as well as more waiting. Also my lympnods are swollen and there is a mass on one. I have done a great deal of crying over the last few days. I don't know why this is all happening. I was excited about some things that were ahead, but had to pull back on some due to not fully knowing what medically is ahead for me. Frustrating and eye opening at the same time. A few things that have come from this: 1) my family is by myside and willing to face whatever with me 2) I have some amazing friends that are praying 3) I am learning to trust yet even more on God to guide me through this 4) i never wanted to need anything from my dad's side of the family and yet had to get medical information from them. I guess you can say it has taken me down a number of twist and turns with no end. Go in tomorrow to talk to doctor and get blood test results, but might have to wait until August for a final anwser. The waiting is so hard and all consuming at times. I keep praying that God will guide everyone to a final outcome and hold my hand as I find out what it is. Abigail