Real

My life changed when I was 10 years old, when my father chose to walk out and leave our family. I don't think he even realized at the time the cost of what he was doing. I don't pretend that even though I choose now not to have him in my life it doesn't still hurt. He was my father and was not supposed to walk out or even think about not spending the rest of his life loving me as a daughter. I lost my father 18 years ago and since that time there have been walls up in my life.

There have only been two other men I have let into my life and heart as father figures since that time. Those two men are my Dede (grandfather) and my Uncle Clayton. When my dad walked out years ago these men stepped up into a role I don't think either of them chose or even knew they did in my life. They became the men I looked up to and saw as role models of what a husband, father, and strong man should be. Over the years I have learned so much from both of them.

My Dede is my world. There has been a connection to him since the day I was born. I don't even know how to describe the connection except to say that he is the most amazing man I have ever known and will always remember the days with him. I have seen him at his weakest moments in loosing my Granny and his most loving and strongest. I know there is nothing he would not do for his family. The last few months have started to take away parts of my Dede. He has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, which if you know me is not something easy for me to admit or even write. This disease is simply that a disease that starts to take away the mind of those we love. I still have my Dede and will hold onto every minute I get with him, but I know time is against us.

My Uncle Clayton was the man I could turn to that was strong and knew how to fix everything. I don't think he asked to take a father role in my life and may not even fully realize he did. He is the man that I pictured walking me down one day to the man I will marry. Over the last few years our whole family has been through a lot and I don't pretend to imagine what it has been like for Clayton. I just hope that maybe one day I can get my Uncle Clayton back. The one that I could turn to for anything. I am not sure how to get back there and I know the years have changed that relationships. I am not even really sure that I am ready to start working toward that or that it is even possible, but one day hope I will and it will.

I now just realize each of these men my father, my Dede, and my Uncle Clayton have all had an impact on who I am. Each has a part of my heart and the impact they made goes deeper than I could ever imagine. These relationships have changed all in different ways and the change or loss has shaped who I am.

Honest Look at ME

So I have to be honest now. I started this blog to try and let go of some of the many things I hide inside because I am afraid of letting down my walls and find who I really am. I have not really done that and still have huge walls up. The only way to let down those walls is to admit I have insecurities that run deep. It has been a long time since I have felt that I have worth inside. I have also struggled a great deal with not feeling pretty or even liking the way I look. Well I am starting to not only let my walls down, but am tired of not liking myself. I recently started changing to feel better about who I am. I have a job that I love, friends that love me for me, and a family that would do anything for me. Of those things I would not change anything. I just need to change how I care for myself and what I tell myself. I guess I need to start telling myself the same thing I have told the amazing teens I work with and have for the last few years. There are some other things I want to change which are more outward as well. I know that by changing how I look will not make me feel better inside, but there are some things that I am changing outwardly that I do feel will help my self-esteem. So this is the beginning of opening up about how I really feel and the struggles to find me.

Update

I Know I have not posted in a long time. Life has been very busy.
I am now the proud Aunt of not two but three amazing boys. (Bryce H., Braden H., and Nolan P.). Being an Aunt is one of the best things I could ever ask for. Each of my amazing nephews has taught me something different. Bryce is the oldest and inspires me to be who I am even when who I am is unclear. Braden is the middle nephew who teaches me to have fun and always laugh. Baby Nolan is my newest nephew who is so full of amazement and wonder. I feel blessed each day that God gave me each of them to love and care for as an Aunt.
Work has kept me on my toes. Each youth I come into contact with brings their own ideas and thoughts to life. When I think I have it figured out I soon realize I am no were near having things figured out. Thanks to amazing co-workers I am able to make it through each day and touch the lives of young people.
Life in general keeps going each day. I have made some changes and am glad to have made each of them!

I AM

A Christian
A daughter
A sister
A friend
A mentor
A Social Worker
An aunt
A listening ear
A female
A Baylor Grad
A sinner
A romantic at heart
A granddaughter
A support system
An employee
A team player

These are just some of the things that I am. I have been so lost and I think the reason why is because I try so hard to be what everyone else wants me to be. I just want to be me and be happy with being me. I am perfect just the way I AM, even when others find fault.

TRUTH

I have to admit that there are things I have been so afraid to tell the truth about. When I started this blog I wanted to be able to express the things that I was to scared to tell others face to face. I pride myself of saying what I think and feel, but there are a few things that scare me to talk about. One of those things is relationships. I have always had guy friends in my life that make me smile, laugh, and even feel protected. The one thing I have never had is the feeling of loving someone with everything that I am and knowing that they love me back. I never thought I would be 27 years old and single. When I was little I dreamed like most little girls do of my wedding day and the guy who would be standing there waiting for me. At this point I wonder if that day will ever come and why it has not. I am happy with life and enjoy getting to see those I love the most happy and with someone they love, but it does not mean it does not hurt. Hurt to know that what I thought I wanted may actually not be what is best for me. I believe that God has something great in store for me, just lonely in the process. I want a relationship and to find the one who will love me for the rest of my life. Then I think what if I find the one and at some point he decides like my father did to leave. I have put up walls when it comes to relationships because I am afraid I will fall deeply in love with someone and plan a future and down the road he will wake up and decided I am not what he wants or love. This thought has always been in the back of my mind even if I have never actually been able to say it. I don't want to focus on this.

Instead of focusing on what I don't have or will every have, I will try my best to seek to fall further in love with God each day. I will allow God to create in me what he wants and to prepare me for the adventure he has my life to be. I cannot say that I wont have my moments of wanting a relationship and someone to love, but I write the above to let it go and start a different path. A path that begins to fill that longing in my heart with something greater than I could begin to understand.

So I have not posted in a while. Things have been pretty busy in life. Not that things have been over exciting just busy. The last 6 months of 2009 have been full of changes. These changes have been good and hard to deal with at the same time. I think back over the choices I have made and do not regret one of them, but realize I made a lot of changes at one time. To be honest the reason I did was so it would all happen quickly and the aftermath would all take place at once. I pride myself on being independent and being able to adjust to change, but realize that I needed time to make changes and support as well. I still struggle without a church family to call my home. Which I did not realize was so hard for me until this weekend when I went back to the church I called family for the last 8 years. I miss being a part of a church home and knowing that I am connected to other believers. I have also realized even more how much my family means to me over the last few months. I have been able to see the treasure that is my family and how blessed I am to say they are family. I have even been honored to welcome a new person to my family who I hope and pray continues to allow a connection to grow. At work I have been challenged and made stronger in ways that I cannot even begin to explain. I have such great co-workers who have helped me with the transition in work sights. I guess the one thing I have grown to realize the most over the last 6 months is I really do not care about myself as much as I should. I can give every piece of myself to others and help them in anything they need, but when it comes to taking care of myself I simply don't. I need to fall broken in front of God and ask him to show me how to fall in love with him all over again and to care for myself. No matter how many changes I make in life I will not be able to be happy until I do that.

Journey

Life comes at us at times and we do not really know how to take it all in. I know there have been many times where life has kicked me in the butt. At this point in my life, I realize all the little things I complain about really are just that little things in life. Life is journey that has a number of ups and downs and it is through all of those both the ups and downs that we learn and grow. Believe me those down times really are hard and make me really want to just throw in the towel, but then I get a small glimpse something amazing. I do not think God places us in this world to simply easily move through it, but to challenge us so that we can have that blind faith. Right now I cannot say that I am on one of those up times or one of those down times, but rather at a even ground. If I am honest I have to say that I am scared that a valley may come my way next, but I have to believe that it is just another step to the future God has for me. I hope that the peaks are just around the corner, but know that no matter if it is the peaks or valleys there is a reason. I have been listening to a song by Britt Nicole "Have Your Way", which talks about how God never promised the road would be easy but that he would always be there. I encourage all to find this song and listen to it. I pray that I am able to really just let go and trust God without asking why or searching because I know there is a reason for the valleys and the peaks. My future is wide open that knowledge leaves me with excitement.