I have to admit that there are things I have been so afraid to tell the truth about. When I started this blog I wanted to be able to express the things that I was to scared to tell others face to face. I pride myself of saying what I think and feel, but there are a few things that scare me to talk about. One of those things is relationships. I have always had guy friends in my life that make me smile, laugh, and even feel protected. The one thing I have never had is the feeling of loving someone with everything that I am and knowing that they love me back. I never thought I would be 27 years old and single. When I was little I dreamed like most little girls do of my wedding day and the guy who would be standing there waiting for me. At this point I wonder if that day will ever come and why it has not. I am happy with life and enjoy getting to see those I love the most happy and with someone they love, but it does not mean it does not hurt. Hurt to know that what I thought I wanted may actually not be what is best for me. I believe that God has something great in store for me, just lonely in the process. I want a relationship and to find the one who will love me for the rest of my life. Then I think what if I find the one and at some point he decides like my father did to leave. I have put up walls when it comes to relationships because I am afraid I will fall deeply in love with someone and plan a future and down the road he will wake up and decided I am not what he wants or love. This thought has always been in the back of my mind even if I have never actually been able to say it. I don't want to focus on this.
Instead of focusing on what I don't have or will every have, I will try my best to seek to fall further in love with God each day. I will allow God to create in me what he wants and to prepare me for the adventure he has my life to be. I cannot say that I wont have my moments of wanting a relationship and someone to love, but I write the above to let it go and start a different path. A path that begins to fill that longing in my heart with something greater than I could begin to understand.