I just spent the last 2 hours sitting outside enjoying the breeze and warmth. A friend gave me a book to read after she read my last posting and it seems this book is speaking more to me than I thought it could. While I was sitting outside I was overwhelmed with a feeling of loneliness. As a small child I became fond of sitting outside listening to the sounds of the country and voices that I loved. There was never a time when my family did not sit outside at whatever country house my grandparents owned just enjoying the time and conversation. Even as a child I could just sit there on the grass in amazement at the sounds I heard. Sitting there today I went back to that place wishing with all I was to really be back in that place with all those I love. That was a time when my dad was still around, when Granny & Dede told stories I hold in my heart now, and a time when I felt alive. That feeling of being alive carried me through some very tough times in my life. Even after my dad was no longer around those moments of sitting outside continued. I think those moments are the ones where I felt safe. Safe from whatever the world could throw at me because I felt protected. Protected because even though my dad had left I still had those voices. The voices that I long to hear again, the ones that no matter what I did said "I Love You", and the ones that kept me young at heart. My college years found me going back to those same times of sitting outside, I never really grew up from enjoying it. When my Granny passed I spent a lot of time alone outside with my Dede hearing him tell me of his love for my Granny and how he would have done anything for her. Now that I have lost him, there is no one to sit outside with me and make me feel safe and protected anymore. I long to hear his sweet voice, to see his plain white t-shirt and starched wranglers, and that smile I loved so much. Feeling safe doesn't happen much for me anymore because all the things that brought me comfort can't this time. The hurt is stronger than I ever knew it could be. So instead I will continue to sit outside and hold onto the stories and memories because that is all I have.