My life changed when I was 10 years old, when my father chose to walk out and leave our family. I don't think he even realized at the time the cost of what he was doing. I don't pretend that even though I choose now not to have him in my life it doesn't still hurt. He was my father and was not supposed to walk out or even think about not spending the rest of his life loving me as a daughter. I lost my father 18 years ago and since that time there have been walls up in my life.
There have only been two other men I have let into my life and heart as father figures since that time. Those two men are my Dede (grandfather) and my Uncle Clayton. When my dad walked out years ago these men stepped up into a role I don't think either of them chose or even knew they did in my life. They became the men I looked up to and saw as role models of what a husband, father, and strong man should be. Over the years I have learned so much from both of them.
My Dede is my world. There has been a connection to him since the day I was born. I don't even know how to describe the connection except to say that he is the most amazing man I have ever known and will always remember the days with him. I have seen him at his weakest moments in loosing my Granny and his most loving and strongest. I know there is nothing he would not do for his family. The last few months have started to take away parts of my Dede. He has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, which if you know me is not something easy for me to admit or even write. This disease is simply that a disease that starts to take away the mind of those we love. I still have my Dede and will hold onto every minute I get with him, but I know time is against us.
My Uncle Clayton was the man I could turn to that was strong and knew how to fix everything. I don't think he asked to take a father role in my life and may not even fully realize he did. He is the man that I pictured walking me down one day to the man I will marry. Over the last few years our whole family has been through a lot and I don't pretend to imagine what it has been like for Clayton. I just hope that maybe one day I can get my Uncle Clayton back. The one that I could turn to for anything. I am not sure how to get back there and I know the years have changed that relationships. I am not even really sure that I am ready to start working toward that or that it is even possible, but one day hope I will and it will.
I now just realize each of these men my father, my Dede, and my Uncle Clayton have all had an impact on who I am. Each has a part of my heart and the impact they made goes deeper than I could ever imagine. These relationships have changed all in different ways and the change or loss has shaped who I am.