Longing

This week has been a struggle to say the least.  It was hard to watch my mom and nephews pull away on Monday.  I enjoyed every minute of my time with them this last weekend.  My three nephews are my world and I am more than blessed to have them in my life.  I am also blessed beyond limits to have a loving mom that supports me and believes in me even when I can't.  Seeing them leave struck a cord within me that I hadn't felt in a while.  A cord that made me long for something I am not sure will ever happen.
I struggle off and on with being single and not having a family of my own.  There is such a deep desire in my heart to be married and have children.  Not only is that such a deep desire in my heart, but I also hear from people all the time how they cannot wait to see me married and with kids.  Others seem to see this longing and desire as well in my life.  I know that God placed that desire on my heart for a reason and I don't want to question him, but at times I do.  I wonder why he would give me such a desire and not fulfill it.  I know I am blessed to have a career I love and 2 degrees that have allowed me to bless others, but it doesn't replace my longing for a husband and children.  My older nephews make comments about wanting other cousins and ask all the time when I am going to have children.  If they only knew how my heart aches for that day as well.  I know that I am not alone in this and have a number of friends that have the same desire, or part of that desire and it just hasn't happened for them either.  This has just really struck me and broke me this week.  I know that I have to trust God and his timing, after all he said he would provide the desires of our hearts, but doesn't mean it is easy.  Tears have come and so have angry words about this topic toward God and life at this point.  Just have to pray and trust......

My Nephews

This weekend my mom will be coming up to stay with me and be brining my three amazing nephews.  I could not be prouder as an aunt than I am.  I love spending time with my nephews.  They have grown so much in the years.  I cannot wait for this weekend and to be able to see them enjoy time together.  Each one of them is special in their own way, but when you get all three together it really melts an Aunt's heart.  I have already been planning what to do with them and how to savor every minute.  They are growing up so fast and I am so thankful that I get to be so close with them. 

 There will be I am sure swimming, a picinic, a train ride, more swimming, good food, movie time, conversation, but most of all laughter. Of course who else knows, because if you know me when my nephews have my attention the spoiling and crazyness only begins!!!!

 What Aunt couldn't love those faces!!!

Letter

So I have been reading / studying a book, “Longing for Daddy – Healing From the Pain of an Absent or Emotionally Distant Father” and I have to say it has challenged me and brought about emotions I thought I had dealt with long ago. God is really using this book to help heal a wound inside me that I have only masked for years. Tonight’s chapter told me to write a letter to my earthly father to express the feelings about the absence so here goes….
Billy,
I don’t even really know where or how to begin this. I don’t even really want to do this. I was only 10 years old when you choose to leave. It wasn’t a choice I made, but a choice you made. You knew cheating was wrong and you did it anyway. You put our family aside for your own selfish gains. You never once thought of what you were doing to me, or if you did it didn’t matter enough to make you stop. For so long I blamed myself for you leaving. I felt I had done something wrong and was the reason you chose to walk away. There were many nights and days that I just cried hoping you would come home. Hoping and wishing that something would make you love me again. It is hard to forget the hurt and sadness I felt when you made promise after promise to me and never followed through on them. Not only did you not follow through with them, but you didn’t even seem to see that it hurt me. When I went to see you and specifically asked you to allow just time for me and you, that wasn’t enough for you and instead you did again what you wanted. Then you made me feel as if I was a burden to you and that you really didn’t want to see me when you had the opportunity, but rather it was forced on you. You forgot birthdays, special occasions and even how to show me you loved me. Instead of loving me you created a new family and simply replaced the one that you didn’t want anymore. All I felt like at that point was a financial responsibility to you. Your new family got the dad that I longed for. The dad I desperately cried out for day after day. My heart was broken because the one person that I needed to love me walked away and never looked back. It was so hard growing up knowing that my dad chose to leave me. You chose to forget about me and didn’t even care that inside it was the worst feeling for me to experience. I lost out on so many memories I wanted with my dad. I was crushed, hurt, broken, angry, lonely, and scared. You never once helped me with it. You never once asked how you could make things better or fix things. Instead I just had to continue to deal with those emotions. I am an adult now and still carry a lot of those feelings inside. I try and tell myself that I am over you leaving, when in reality there are so many times that something happens and I am right back there as that scared 10 year old. You hurt me in a way that I cannot understand and never will, in a way that cannot be fixed by words or even actions now 20 years later. Abigail
God I pray that you continue to teach me how to heal from this. That you take me broken as I am and wrap me in your loving arms. Thank you for being my father and loving me unconditionally.

FAITH

My faith has always played a huge role in my life. I was saved when I was in the 5th grade and it changed my life at a time when I felt lost and confused. God stepped in an took an active role in my life. I was blessed to be part of a great youth group that allowed me the privelge of going to some amazing summer camps and on a variety of local mission trips. The times I spent in my youth group brought me some of the best friends I could have evern asked for. Those times also lead me down the road to discovering who I was and what my life would be. God showed me that he loved me even when I failed to deserve it, which was most days. He guided me to forgive my earthly father, which was a hard experience. He even stood there holding me when I shared this forgivness with my father and got hurt by his response. Those times also brought me to my career and calling as a Social Worker. God sheltered me through some really tough losses in my life, even when I pushed him so far away. Pushing God away was something I got really good at. It was easy for me to push him away because I felt that is what I did to my own earthly father. I have come to realize no matter how hard or far I tried to push God away he continued to sit right there reaching out for me. He held me and I pushed harder. I thought he was holding me back from the things I knew in my heart he had placed as desires for my life. I never saw it as him trying to ensure that I sought him and allowed him to be in control, even though I had been told that time and time again. I now see so much more clerarly. Not to say that I wont fall again and try to push him away, because lets me honest that is again something that comes easy to me. I just now see that he has used all the good and bad to shape me for him. He wants this time with me to grow in my faith and relationship with him. God will provide me with the desires of my heart, but in his time, his way, and when he is at the center of it. Thank you God for never allowing me to fully push you away. Thank you for loving me even though I sin and fall short. Thank you for giving me examples and opportunities to see your will at work in so many experinces through out the years. Above all thank you for daily seeking me out and encouraging me to seek you.