Mixed Up

I am not even really sure what words to use to express what I am thinking right now. I am realizing that when I care for someone as a friend, I care with my whole heart. No matter what stands in the way I will always fight for those I love. I will stand by those I love through everything that comes thier way. When I see someone I love hurting or struggling, I cannot help but hurt and struggle with them. I worry for them when I am not sure how things are going or even if they are hurting. I know this is not always healthy, but something inside me just cannot see someone I love hurt and not hurt. Right now I am excited about the changes in my life, but at the same time hurting for some that I care a great deal about. I just hope that in some way I can reach out to those I care so much for and help in anyway. I know this is short and may not make much sense, but again not sure how to put my feelings into words because right now there are so many thoughts and emotions mixed into one time.

TRUST

I wish trust came easy. There are times in life when we need to trust others with everything we are even if that means we have to trust them blindly. I have tried so hard to trust others in life, but now realize when it comes down to it I am scared of trusting and loosing. I pride myself on being able to handle things on my own and be an individual, but there are times when I need the love and support from others. I find it so hard to simply put myself out there with the uncertainty of if it will end well or end in me getting hurt. I think we all struggle with relying on others when there is past disappointment from those who are supposed to always be trusted. When it comes to trusting others I find it very difficult because in all honesty one of the first people I trusted let me down 16 years ago. My dad was someone that I looked up to and trusted to always love and support me no matter what I did in life. I could never imagine that at some point that blind trust I had in him would disappear in thin air. When my dad left I put a wall up around my heart and have really tried to ensure that I would never feel that pain again. The heartache and distrust I felt at that time in my life has kept me from trusting some people that I know I can trust with all that I am. I forgave my father long ago for leaving and not being there when I needed him the most along with breaking that level of trust I placed in him, but I don't know that I ever really let go of the hurt I felt. I am grateful that I have people placed in my life that have helped me begin to heal from that distrust. There are those of you who I love that have shown me that even letting down a piece of my wall is worth it because no matter what you stand by me. Trust is as you can tell a big thing for me and if I tell you that you mean the world to me and I trust you with my heart as a friend than know that it was not easy for me, but worth the struggle and fear I felt.

Friendship

Friends are such amazing gifts from God. Over the years my friends have come to me from school, work, camp, church, through other friends, are my family, and even randomly. As I think about each of the friends God has blessed my life with I cannot even imagine what it would be like to not have had the experience with them. Some of these friends have lasted only a short time and some have been my friends for more than 14 years. I find it funny some times to see how friendships change over the years with us. My friendships have changed a lot over the years and I have begun to realize what it means to have true friends and be a true friend. Each new stage of friendship has brought with it the challenge of trusting someone with my secrets and fears. God has shown me that these friends who I love dearly are the ones I can trust with those secrets and fears. I pray that as I continue to make this journey to find who I am and what God has for me that these friends will continue to support me. I am not sure how long this journey will take but I know it is a journey worth taking and the friends that are with me in the end will be the ones who I will always love and support as well.

Beginning

Not sure why or what I am doing here. Just thought I would give this a try. I have been blessed over the years by an amazing family that I know loves and supports me. I have also been blessed with some of the most incredible friends. I have learned from my family and friends so much and that I am now trying to slowly put into who I am. I feel blessed to have been given the opportunity to get both my undergraduate and graduate degrees from Baylor University in Social Work. From that blessing the last few years have been spent working with adolescents that at times really try my patients but have been some of the most amazing young people that I feel priveldged to work with. My life has taken a number of twist and turns which brings me to where I am now.

I think we all have these dreams of what our life will look like, but at times we create our own life instead looking for what God has for us. I have been trying so hard to live out this life that I dreamed of, that in the process I lost sight of what God really can do in my life. I am letting go of the controls of my life and giving them back to God. Which now puts me at a time of new beginnings and transition in my life. I have started a new job, which meant leaving some of those amazing adolescents and some of the best friends / co-workers I could ask for. Which I know may not seem that hard since I got a great job still working with adolescents, but it was hard saying goodbye to that chapter in my life. I will also be moving into my first place on my own. Which I know will be scary and exciting at the same time. Thank goodness I have an incredible mom not to far away that I know I can call anytime. The last major transition will be starting out all over again trying to find a church that fits me. I have loved my last 8 1/2 years at my church, but know God is directing me to a new path.

Not really sure if any of this makes sense, but know it is what I keep playing in my head over and over. I just pray that God continues to bless me as I make these transitions.