Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Longing

This week has been a struggle to say the least.  It was hard to watch my mom and nephews pull away on Monday.  I enjoyed every minute of my time with them this last weekend.  My three nephews are my world and I am more than blessed to have them in my life.  I am also blessed beyond limits to have a loving mom that supports me and believes in me even when I can't.  Seeing them leave struck a cord within me that I hadn't felt in a while.  A cord that made me long for something I am not sure will ever happen.
I struggle off and on with being single and not having a family of my own.  There is such a deep desire in my heart to be married and have children.  Not only is that such a deep desire in my heart, but I also hear from people all the time how they cannot wait to see me married and with kids.  Others seem to see this longing and desire as well in my life.  I know that God placed that desire on my heart for a reason and I don't want to question him, but at times I do.  I wonder why he would give me such a desire and not fulfill it.  I know I am blessed to have a career I love and 2 degrees that have allowed me to bless others, but it doesn't replace my longing for a husband and children.  My older nephews make comments about wanting other cousins and ask all the time when I am going to have children.  If they only knew how my heart aches for that day as well.  I know that I am not alone in this and have a number of friends that have the same desire, or part of that desire and it just hasn't happened for them either.  This has just really struck me and broke me this week.  I know that I have to trust God and his timing, after all he said he would provide the desires of our hearts, but doesn't mean it is easy.  Tears have come and so have angry words about this topic toward God and life at this point.  Just have to pray and trust......

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