I AM

A Christian
A daughter
A sister
A friend
A mentor
A Social Worker
An aunt
A listening ear
A female
A Baylor Grad
A sinner
A romantic at heart
A granddaughter
A support system
An employee
A team player

These are just some of the things that I am. I have been so lost and I think the reason why is because I try so hard to be what everyone else wants me to be. I just want to be me and be happy with being me. I am perfect just the way I AM, even when others find fault.

TRUTH

I have to admit that there are things I have been so afraid to tell the truth about. When I started this blog I wanted to be able to express the things that I was to scared to tell others face to face. I pride myself of saying what I think and feel, but there are a few things that scare me to talk about. One of those things is relationships. I have always had guy friends in my life that make me smile, laugh, and even feel protected. The one thing I have never had is the feeling of loving someone with everything that I am and knowing that they love me back. I never thought I would be 27 years old and single. When I was little I dreamed like most little girls do of my wedding day and the guy who would be standing there waiting for me. At this point I wonder if that day will ever come and why it has not. I am happy with life and enjoy getting to see those I love the most happy and with someone they love, but it does not mean it does not hurt. Hurt to know that what I thought I wanted may actually not be what is best for me. I believe that God has something great in store for me, just lonely in the process. I want a relationship and to find the one who will love me for the rest of my life. Then I think what if I find the one and at some point he decides like my father did to leave. I have put up walls when it comes to relationships because I am afraid I will fall deeply in love with someone and plan a future and down the road he will wake up and decided I am not what he wants or love. This thought has always been in the back of my mind even if I have never actually been able to say it. I don't want to focus on this.

Instead of focusing on what I don't have or will every have, I will try my best to seek to fall further in love with God each day. I will allow God to create in me what he wants and to prepare me for the adventure he has my life to be. I cannot say that I wont have my moments of wanting a relationship and someone to love, but I write the above to let it go and start a different path. A path that begins to fill that longing in my heart with something greater than I could begin to understand.

So I have not posted in a while. Things have been pretty busy in life. Not that things have been over exciting just busy. The last 6 months of 2009 have been full of changes. These changes have been good and hard to deal with at the same time. I think back over the choices I have made and do not regret one of them, but realize I made a lot of changes at one time. To be honest the reason I did was so it would all happen quickly and the aftermath would all take place at once. I pride myself on being independent and being able to adjust to change, but realize that I needed time to make changes and support as well. I still struggle without a church family to call my home. Which I did not realize was so hard for me until this weekend when I went back to the church I called family for the last 8 years. I miss being a part of a church home and knowing that I am connected to other believers. I have also realized even more how much my family means to me over the last few months. I have been able to see the treasure that is my family and how blessed I am to say they are family. I have even been honored to welcome a new person to my family who I hope and pray continues to allow a connection to grow. At work I have been challenged and made stronger in ways that I cannot even begin to explain. I have such great co-workers who have helped me with the transition in work sights. I guess the one thing I have grown to realize the most over the last 6 months is I really do not care about myself as much as I should. I can give every piece of myself to others and help them in anything they need, but when it comes to taking care of myself I simply don't. I need to fall broken in front of God and ask him to show me how to fall in love with him all over again and to care for myself. No matter how many changes I make in life I will not be able to be happy until I do that.

Journey

Life comes at us at times and we do not really know how to take it all in. I know there have been many times where life has kicked me in the butt. At this point in my life, I realize all the little things I complain about really are just that little things in life. Life is journey that has a number of ups and downs and it is through all of those both the ups and downs that we learn and grow. Believe me those down times really are hard and make me really want to just throw in the towel, but then I get a small glimpse something amazing. I do not think God places us in this world to simply easily move through it, but to challenge us so that we can have that blind faith. Right now I cannot say that I am on one of those up times or one of those down times, but rather at a even ground. If I am honest I have to say that I am scared that a valley may come my way next, but I have to believe that it is just another step to the future God has for me. I hope that the peaks are just around the corner, but know that no matter if it is the peaks or valleys there is a reason. I have been listening to a song by Britt Nicole "Have Your Way", which talks about how God never promised the road would be easy but that he would always be there. I encourage all to find this song and listen to it. I pray that I am able to really just let go and trust God without asking why or searching because I know there is a reason for the valleys and the peaks. My future is wide open that knowledge leaves me with excitement.

LIFE LESSONS

As noted before my life is changing in so many ways. I could not have thought a year ago that I would be at a new job, in a new apartment on my own, or without a church home. Through these changes I have learned that each one was important for me to see simple life lessons I should have learned long ago.

1) That saying goodbye to some important people in our lives for a change that takes you forward in a career really does mean that relationship will be changed and some may even become people that are now a part of your past. No matter how hard we fight to keep those people in our lives when we are all being pulled in different directions it gets hard and hard to hold on.
2) New change is always good and along the way those changes make us stronger and more ready to face the next stage of life. I have always embraced changed but silently feared it at the same time. Each of the changes I am currently experiencing was and still is amazing and one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.
3) Realizing that my home is no longer with my mom, means I really have closed a chapter in my life. My mom has been one of the strongest and most amazing women I know. I have seen her go through a great deal of heartache and still come out ahead in life. I am proud to say that I have a part of her in me and that no matter what I do in life she will always stand by me and love me. I have grown up and am now on my own, except for Crush my adorable cat.
4) Being without a church home means I have to start all over finding a place to belong. I have only been a part of 2 churches in my 26 years of life. Both of those churches filled a need in me and helped me in my walk with God. I did not know saying goodbye to my church would mean that I would be this sad. I am excited to find a church home that can meet my current desire for God. I know God will provide the perfect church for me with many new Christian people to help in my walk.
5) The final thing I can think about right now is the sadness this weekend has brought me. The rain this weekend has been amazing, I love the sound of rain and to me it means newness and beauty. But when I thought about what this weekend was, it broke my heart. Five years ago I lost my grandmother and lost a part of who I was. My Granny was a strong and powerful woman who fought until her last breath for life. She loved my grandfather with all her heart for 50 years, which in today’s world is pretty amazing in itself. I cried a lot this weekend just thinking of her and what she taught me. She taught me about gardening, enjoying sitting on the front porch, appreciating homemade gifts (even when they are a little off), making those you love a great meal they enjoy, loving with all of your heart, and supporting your family with all you are. Nancy Ann Baker will always be the best grandmother I could have ever had and a woman I aspire to be like.

All of these lessons have gotten me where I am. At a new beginning in life, ready to take on the world.

Mixed Up

I am not even really sure what words to use to express what I am thinking right now. I am realizing that when I care for someone as a friend, I care with my whole heart. No matter what stands in the way I will always fight for those I love. I will stand by those I love through everything that comes thier way. When I see someone I love hurting or struggling, I cannot help but hurt and struggle with them. I worry for them when I am not sure how things are going or even if they are hurting. I know this is not always healthy, but something inside me just cannot see someone I love hurt and not hurt. Right now I am excited about the changes in my life, but at the same time hurting for some that I care a great deal about. I just hope that in some way I can reach out to those I care so much for and help in anyway. I know this is short and may not make much sense, but again not sure how to put my feelings into words because right now there are so many thoughts and emotions mixed into one time.

TRUST

I wish trust came easy. There are times in life when we need to trust others with everything we are even if that means we have to trust them blindly. I have tried so hard to trust others in life, but now realize when it comes down to it I am scared of trusting and loosing. I pride myself on being able to handle things on my own and be an individual, but there are times when I need the love and support from others. I find it so hard to simply put myself out there with the uncertainty of if it will end well or end in me getting hurt. I think we all struggle with relying on others when there is past disappointment from those who are supposed to always be trusted. When it comes to trusting others I find it very difficult because in all honesty one of the first people I trusted let me down 16 years ago. My dad was someone that I looked up to and trusted to always love and support me no matter what I did in life. I could never imagine that at some point that blind trust I had in him would disappear in thin air. When my dad left I put a wall up around my heart and have really tried to ensure that I would never feel that pain again. The heartache and distrust I felt at that time in my life has kept me from trusting some people that I know I can trust with all that I am. I forgave my father long ago for leaving and not being there when I needed him the most along with breaking that level of trust I placed in him, but I don't know that I ever really let go of the hurt I felt. I am grateful that I have people placed in my life that have helped me begin to heal from that distrust. There are those of you who I love that have shown me that even letting down a piece of my wall is worth it because no matter what you stand by me. Trust is as you can tell a big thing for me and if I tell you that you mean the world to me and I trust you with my heart as a friend than know that it was not easy for me, but worth the struggle and fear I felt.